12. The Penguin Conspiracy.

If you’re not up to reading a large, nonsensical rant, please avert your gaze.
If, however, you have some time to spare and would like to be enlightened, read on.
(Yes, I’m perfectly aware that this blog confirms my psychological issues.)

On one boring afternoon in 5th grade, I told a friend of some suspicions I held about penguins being evil. It was a massive conspiracy theory, which eventually gained support from half dozens of friends. We eventually formed the Anti Penguin Army Defence League.
Born of boredom, the defence league grew to be an official organisation.
We compiled an application form for anyone interested in joining our ranks, then prepared an aptitude test for potential recruits. With our high standards, not everyone made the cut. (True story.)
We held meetings, during which we discussed the latest penguin army movements, and what we could do to combat them. We also provided scholarships for people who did not quite pass our exams, but showed valuable talents in other areas.

By the time we reached 7th grade, the Defence League had managed to collect a staggering amount of information on this evil penguin army, which we felt we should share with the world. I typed up all the information, and posted it on my old blog.

Now, years later, the Defence League is not as active as it used to be. This morning, I visited my old blog and came upon all the information I had typed up, and decided to repeat that information here, admittedly more for my benefit than yours. I’d like to apologise in advance for the length of the post, but here it is:

“Today I shall educate you about the penguin army. A real yet invisible force, working towards world domination. Read on. All will soon be explained.

I invent— I didn’t say that… Let me start again.

I discovered the penguin army about a year or two ago. How did I discover it, you ask? Well, that’s a story for another time. Now you’re probably wondering, what’s the penguin army? Well, I’ll keep it simple. The penguins have an army, and they’re plotting to take over the world. No joke. They’ve got machine guns and everything.

Now you’re asking yourself, how are they going to take over the world? It’s quite simple really. They promise wealth to powerful people in the world, to get them on their side.
These powerful people to whom the penguins promise wealth include the checkout clerks at McDonalds, KFC and other huge fast food chains. What did you say? Of course they’re powerful people! They distribute food to millions of people. And they can do anything to the food without being suspected. For example, they could spit in it, they could put in little micro chips that will brain-wash people to think that the penguin army is great, or they could annoy people by getting the order wrong, you know, that sort of thing.
If that’s not powerful, I don’t know what is.
But I’m getting off the point here. As I was saying, they promise  wealth to powerful people in our world. But they never get this wealth. The penguins would never let a human into their ranks. No. Once they’re done with you, they’ll lock you in a room by yourself, and give you nothing to do but watch Big Borther. Imagine the horror! Talk about cruel and unusual punishments.
So don’t trust the penguins if you know what’s good for you.
Unless you actually like Big Brother. In which case, you’re beyond help, you poor soul.

Now. I am not alone in this. If you don’t believe me about the penguin army, then it’s your loss. But there is in fact an “Anti Penguin Army Defence League”. Over the months, we have discovered that penguin meat is every canine’s favourite meal. You see, dogs were originally bred as a part of the fight against the penguin army.. The dogs were bred by the forefathers of the Anti Penguin Army Defence League to eat penguins. Yes. Not as man’s best friend, but to hunt and eat penguins, so you people need to stop feeding dogs ‘dog food’ and start letting them hunt penguins, because if you don’t, the penguins are going to take over the world!

This information IS completely factual. For more details, please consult your local library.

I’d also like to bring the movie Happy Feet to your attention.
Let’s look at the movie description, shall we?

Happy Feet is a comedy adventure set in the land of the Emperor Penguins in the heart of Antarctica. These penguins sing – and each needs their own special song to attract a soul mate.

I’d like to bring some points to your attention:

- Firstly, Emperor Penguins? NO. Those are the higher ranking members of the penguin army. Who else would call themselves “emperor”?

- Secondly, penguins do sing. I’ll admit that. But it’s not to attract a ’soul mate’, or any of that nonsense. It’s actually a signal. Like the description says, “each needs their own special song”, well, this is kind of true. There are many different songs, but not for the reason they tell you. All the different songs have different meanings. For example:

“lalalalee” could mean “We attack at dawn”

“loolodae” might mean “The humans are on to us”
“lalolelala” could mean “I like cheese cake”

I think you get my point. We aren’t yet sure about what the different songs mean, but the Anti Penguin Army Defence League is working on it.

- My last point: the movie was made by people who were brain-washed by the Penguin Army, because they ate a Big Mac with one of those chips that I talked about before. The penguin army will be going for the whole ‘cutesy’ look. They want to make sure that no one will suspect them. Well, if they do try that, don’t fall for it. Penguins are vicious creatures who seek world domination and don’t you forget it.”

In my defence, I wrote that all years ago. Actually, I think it was quite impressive coming from a 7th grader, but I suppose I’m a tad biased.

Since then, I’ve been directed to websites such as
http://www.thepenguinconspiracy.com and
http://www.thepenguinconspiracy.com/bb/
and a variety of other sites devoted to informing the world about the penguin conspiracy.

I’d like to make it clear that I formed the Anti Penguin Army Defence League well before I realised that others had discovered the Penguin Conspiracy as well. I was convinced that it was my original discovery. Finding these sites made for an excellent “WTF” moment.
But the fact that people from around the world, who had never communicated, shared the same idea is irrefutable proof of the existence of the penguin army.

I’d like to congratulate anyone who read through that wall of text.
You can thank me for the information later.